Tour Guide Meets Half Way House

My last two days have been interesting and very fun filled days.

The nights so much. Aaron and I had plans to hit Fag Fridays but passed on dancing in favor of sleep.

Yesterday afternoon was spent walking and riding around Fog City and hitting one of the main tourist traps in the City. I love being out near the water/piers and seeing the sights I rarely see.

It's very interesting and fun watching people and how they react to two men holding hands. I also love showing off my City to friends because it's like seeing everything I saw but only with new eyes!

The apartment the three visitors I'm sharing my space with for the next couple days have been kind, fun and interesting folk. I enjoying being a host!

My apartment has also become a sanctum to other friend as well.

Well more of a half way house meets storage unit meets shower and mess hall.

It's fine really because I love playing Mother Lion to those I love! My peeps are great people and I'm one lucky SOB!

We are all just trying to survive this crazy world and I'll support them all any way I can!!

Peace, until next I write!

Buddhist Thought of the Week

The creed of Jodo Shu Pure Land Buddhism: 1. Believing in the salvation by Amida Buddha as preached by Shakyamuni Buddha in his teachings, we pray to Amida Buddha as our anchor, and give thanks and services in return. 2. Following the teachings of Honen Shonin, the founder of Jodo Shu Buddhism, we repeat the sacred name of Amida Buddha (Namu Amida Butsu), and always try to be sincere and to be introspective. 3. We extend the circle of prayer to Amida Buddha, help one another, and try to contribute to the promotion of social purification as well as to peace and welfare,

Cleaning Up

The last few days have brought about much change and has offered up a chance to start cleaning up around my life in many various ways.

My dishes had been sitting in my sink and drawing flies and making my apartment stink to High Holy Hell.

Apartment one zero four's bathroom, kitchen floor and doing some laundry are also on my to-do list.

I'll be sharing my space with a special friend named Aaron who is flying/visiting in today from Fort Bliss and I want to make sure the place is spotless!

Tomorrow will also find me cleaning up in a vastly different sort of way. I'll be participating in a drug study that will help me stop using Crystal Methamphetamine.

I'm looking forward to the next faze in my life. My eyes are open and I've tired of stumbling through life. This fog I've lived under for the last few years must be lifted. Being sober has become much more important to me these last few weeks. Turning 34 may have sparked all this desire to change but I'm thankful that it has happened.

At last!!

I expect that it will be tough road but I have every confidence that I can do this and turn the corner and make the changes to start living and succeeding again!

Amen!

A Great Hedonistic, Interesting, Fun, Sleepless, Birthday Bash!!

Watching Project Runway and I realized I'd not written anything in a while.

So here I am trying to p0st something before the 4pm scheduled outage and the show ends.

My weekend was full of friends, phone calls from far-flung family, hooking up for hot sex w/ men, music, birthday cake, gifts, sunshine, fog, late nights/early mornings, getting my hair did (different color same mOhaWk)talking way to much, wondering where past lovers roam, getting dissed by cute but two faced boys(what's up with giving me a wrong number Robert & DJ?!!), group sex, gifts, food and taking photos.

Later, I'll write more and post some pics but for now sending out warm thanks to Anyone & Everyone that I spent time with because you guys made it special!!

Some of yall are some nasty Fuckers!!

It was a bLaSt!!!!!The best of the last few years. Thanks EVERYONE!!!
Peace All!

Temporary Interruption

The last few days have been somewhat annoying as I've been dealing with loss of phone service and internet.

I'm not sure how this happened but the phone cord had been cut at the service box. This leads me to think it must have been JT.

Not a lot to post but wanted to get this little bit of info out there and up on my blog.

God, am I glad to be free of JT. I feel sorry for anyone that ever has to deal with him!

Peace all!!

Tranquil

The days and nights at apartment 104 have become much more tranquil since I kicked JT out.

Fog City is a beautiful place today.

I've been thinking about the last month and going over many of my actions and thoughts in regards to my prior relationship.

I'm not proud that I let JT come into my world and reveal my insecurities along with many other negative emotions.

This last stretch of my life hasn't been easy but I'm doing the best I can to cope and change for the better.

I hope the best for everyone involved in anyway with the relationship that was mine and JT's.

Stressful as it was, I must say I learned a lot about human behaviour and inner-personal relationships.

I'm sure the lessons will continue.

Buddhist Thought For The Week

Whenever we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. - John Muir

I Raise The Bar!

I know we need our mistakes to learn and grow but I really wish I'd the true power to know the future.

That superhuman ability would allow me to avoid bad people and situations that weren't healthy or beneficial. Has anyone else ever looked inside they're own mental crystal ball and seen that a certain course of action would lead to nothing but pain, drama and everything not good...But still take that route?

Often I've found that you can figure out a bad situations end as it begins. Unfortunately denial, drugs, fear, other people, our own bad habits, emotions/situations and pasts make it hard to avoid the negative outcome.

Recently I've erred in getting close to a couple/few people who are greedy, immoral, unkind and have a preferance for self destructive tendencies.

I see my mistakes and have learned some valuable lessons that will aid me in who to call a friend or lover. From now on, those that I honor with such titles must return that back equally.

It's time I raise the quality of people I surround myself with.

Those that lie, steal, cheat or show a lack of ethics and morality have no place beside me or in my world.

Today, I raise the bar!

757

Congratulation must be extended to hometown hero Barry Bonds on his breaking the home run record held so long by the legendary Hank Aaron.

Seven hundred and fifty seven home runs couldn't have been easy..Even if he did cheat by using steroids.

Trying Something New

After much soul searching the last few weeks I've decided that my relationship with JT needs changing. Soon he and I will be trying something new by not spending all our time together.We moved into the relationship too quickly and I know it's a mistake I've made in the past with others I've taken on as partners.

Yesterday evening over dinner, I had a conversation with my friend/boss at his home and he and I talked over many of the things that were bothering me about the relationship I'm currently in. We also spoke about his life, family, art, my future and and many other things while sharing a yummy dinner of chicken, cauliflower and salad with wine.

Having a chance to air out my concerns last night has done me a world of good. I feel lighter and less burdened by the worry and depression that had creeped into my "sphere of being".

After it's all said and done I'm still not sure where things are going between JT and I. But what I am sure of is that serious changes need to occur and how much time we spend together.

My doubt that JT truly wants a relationship grows with every passing day. And I know there is nothing I can do but take some space and time to let things sort themselves out.

There's still a chance that he will change course and that we can make something out of whatever this relationship has become.

But I'm losing hope in him and I won't be holding my breath. His and my time together is almost up and it might just be for the best.

Buddhist Thought For The Week

And just as men depend upon A boat for traversing the sea, So does the mental body need The matter-body for occurrence. And as the boat depends upon The men for traversing the sea, So does the matter-body need The mental body for occurrence. Depending each upon the other The boat and men go on the sea. And so do mind and matter both Depend the one upon the other. 'Visuddhimagga' (XVIII, 36)

Calm Seas

At present I'm watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel and the calm seas in which these beasts roam remind me of my apartment the last few days.

There hasn't been a lot to report as I've been keeping it fairly mellow compared to my weekend.

JT is still sleeping a great deal, as have I.

Leaving the party has it consequences obviously.

Hopefully, we will resume a normal way of living soon because this doesn't seem like living to me.

It's more like sleeping most the days and nights of the week away only to party for a couple days. Then we just repeat the sleep schedule.

Well mostly it JT who sleeps. I manage to have a normal day up early, making music, chatting with friends, writing, preparing for school this coming semester, my Building and working a few days a week at the Pot Club.

It's frustrating to say the least.

Sigh, such is my life at present.

I hope it gets better soon. Because I feel worn out from dealing with him. It would be nice to have a normal relationship or something that felt a bit more normal and wasn't forcing me to stifle what I truly feel.

Which isn't calm seas at all but a rage at myself and JT. Maybe it's because we hate when we recognize in someone else what we recognize in ourselves.

I'm sure that's it and hopefully we are both able to deal and do better.

I love this guy and truly only want the best for both of us.

I hope he feels the same way. I really do.

Wait and See

Things have been so confusing of late that I don't know really where to start this post.

While taking of care of myself, apartment, building, hanging with friends, planning for school, working a few days a week, I've also been taking care of JT.

He's a bit homeless and still getting "settled" into the City...after almost eight months.

Hopefully it happens soon because I'm frustrated with having a boyfriend who sleeps most of the day, escorts, rarely picks up after himself or helps clean the apartment and seems unmotivated in every area of his life. Also, his spiritual side doesn't seem to be getting much attention and him not being a Buddhist or something of the like might become a problem unless I see change in that area of his life.

I'll not deal with a lay about for much longer. There will be a real effort put forth by him or we won't be in a relationship.

My faith in him is a bit shaky at present. I need to know my partner reflects my values and goals.

For now, I wait and see what he will do. He has a bit more time before I end this relationship for the last and final time.

The clock is ticking.

BreakUps 2 MakeUps

This weekend was rough and emotional.

JT and I weren't seeing eye 2 eye on some issues that are at both times important and petty. Also we've been spending a ton of time together and there had been a weird power dynamic developing leading us both to misunderstand one another.

We began to quarrel over our differences. Which was then followed by letting our emotions get out of hand.

After a heated debate Saturday morning it looked like we'd be breaking up. He went and stayed with a friend in another part of town. I was on a emotional roller coaster and alone in my apartment for the first time in almost 3 week.

I couldn't stand the sight of my walls or the empty space next to mine in the bed. By yesterday afternoon I walked all over the City, taking pictures and hanging out with people I met along the way.

JT and I didn't talk or see each other for over 48 hours and I missed him every minute.

Well, most parts of him.

During this time apart I had enough time to come down off my high horse and think over what went wrong. I knew I contributed my fair share into the making of our problems. And I think while we were apart JT had time to reflect on the parts he played in the negativity.

By yesterday deep thought and meditation led me to think that all hope wasn't lost so I called him.

This morning we got together and talked about everything that happened. It was rough but thankfully we've arrived at solutions which should hopefully work for us.

I think now all we needed was time away, a readjustment of our "rules", how much time we should spend together at this time and what was expected/offered to one another.

Hopefully a better and healthier relationship will be the result because I love him and want it to work.

Right now I'm feeling good about us...But after all this talking/writing I need a nap.

Later yall!

Happy Indiffence

This post isn't the easiest one for me write but it must be done.

After spending almost three weeks JT, Saturday morning I ended or brief relationship and cohabitation.

The lies, manipulation, double life, wife and child, abusive communication style, selfishness, uncaring attitude towards my emotions and home all became too much to deal with.

Over the last 21 days or so many things were told to me by JT that had no iota truth to them. The more I reached out towards him the further and harder he pulled away from me.

Sex was not used in the right way between us and we were doing more group sex scenes together than having sex together. It seemed more important that only his needs be met because he continued to behave as if he was single.

Many things he did and said made it clear that he wanted all the rights of a relationship with me but not the responsibilities.

After see again the evidence of these facts my temper boiled over and we quarrelled which ended with me demanding he take his things and remove himself from my apartment.

At first it was sad and I wondered if the right choice was being made in telling him to go. Many feelings wed those. Everything from rage, disappointment, sadness, self-doubt too happy he's out of my life and home...

This AM my heart is at ease and happy indifference would be the best way to describe what I'm feeling.

This morning I woke up feeling great and superhero like.

Don't really know if JT and I'll be friends after all this but but I hope JtT has learned a vfew aliblue lessons.

Buddhist Thought for the Week

Clarity can exist only when there is freedom to observe, when one is capable of looking, observing, watching. That is only possible when there is complete, total freedom, otherwise there is always distortion in our observation.

- J. Krishnamurti

Don't Expect Anything!

There is a story in Tibet about a thief who was a great fool. He stole a large sack of barley one day and was very pleased with himself. He hung it up over his bed, suspended it from the ceiling, because he thought it would be safest there from the rats and other animals. But one rat was very cunning and found a way to get to it. Meanwhile the thief was thinking, "Now, I'll sell this barley to somebody, perhaps my next-door neighbor, and get some silver coins for it. Then I could buy something else and then sell that at a profit. If I go on like this I'll soon be very rich, then I can get married and have a proper home. After that I could have a son. Yes, I shall have a son! Now what name shall I give him?" At that moment the moon had just risen and he saw the moonlight shining in through the window onto his bed. So he thought, "Ah, I shall call him Dawa" (which is the Tibetan name for the moon). And at that moment the rat had finished eating right through the rope from which the bag was hanging, and the bag dropped on the thief and killed him.

Chogyam Trungpa, Meditation in Action

What's Next

The two words that I'm hearing most in my head today are "what's next?"

What's next for me? You? The world?

What's next for our country? Yesterdays Presidential Debate didn't give me any more clarity on who'd make our best next Commander In Chief. Parts of me wishes I could vote for two or three of the candidates.

What's next for my career, goals and art. Continuing growth in every area of my life will help sort out what's next for some of these things.. But nervousness about what's next sometimes leads me to jump at shadows and stress. These feelings fade faster when I use these emotions for positive change and direction.

I want to understand my fellow humans better. This is a goal that's important to me for every relationship I have no matter how insignificant or important.

Treating others well feels great and good guys always finish first, right?

What's next for JT and I? We're slowing getting to know each other and things have been good. Is this relationship solid and healthy? Can it survive? Are we doing the right things?

My 34th birthday is fast approaching and I'm sure that's why I woke up so thoughtful and reflective today...But there are things I've got to do and work that has to be done.

Answers to my questions will be apparent soon enough and I'll keep doing what I can to ensure my wanted outcomes.

The best is yet to come!!!

Buddhist Thought For the Week

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time. - T.S. Eliot

ShakeTown 2 QuakeVille -n- back to FogCity!!

Wow...I felt the earthquake last night at 4:42 a.m. I'm not sure how strong it was in my hood but according to the U.S. Geological Survey, it was centered 2 miles east of Oakland and it could be felt on both sides of the San Francisco Bay. The 4.1 quake woke me up and honestly it felt a lot stronger than it really was.

Makes ya feel alive!!

Anyway..here are some pictures I've recently taken.

Enjoy!

Two Jobs Plus

This morning at 11 am I'll be interviewing with a staffing firm here in downtown Fog City.

Hopefully I'll land an office position that will utilize my various computer and office skills.
I'm not sure the amount of hours I'll work every week but I've a lot of free time for the next couple months which means I could potentially be working forty hours plus soon.

I also found out yesterday that I'll be working for a friend who owns and operates one of Fog City's premier medical cannabis boutiques.

For now I've two jobs and hopefully soon that will be two plus jobs! I'm tired of being tired over not making much money so it's awesome that hopefully I'll be past this point soon.

Now it's time to take care of Job One because I enjoy keeping a roof over my head! ;-p

Peace All!!

Just another Day

Today and the last few days have been chill. Lately I've been working on music, going to the movies, preparing for interviews later this week, taking photo's, hanging with friends and spending lots of time JT and Oliver.

Soon I have to start my building manager duties and after that I'm not sure what the day will bring.

So it's just another peaceful day here in the Tender-Nobb. I hope your day is peaceful as well.

He said " I love You" Today!!!!

He said he Loves Me!

His name is JT and I have to say he's amazing.

I've been seeing him for almost a week now and I'm pretty sure he won't be going anywhere soon. Well, I think I've been seeing him and his dog, Oliver.

It was only supposed to be about fucking and hanging out but it has turned into so much, much more!

My head is swimming and I'm not sure what to make it of it all.

But I did tell him "I love you too!"

4get about Me

Forget About Me by Pablo Neruda

Let us look for secret things
somewhere in the world,
on the blue shore of silence
or where the storm has passed,
rampaging like a train.
There the faint signs are left,
coins of time and water,
debris, celestial ash
and the irreplaceable rapture
of sharing in the labour
of solitude and the sand.
--Translated by Alastair Reid

Buddhist Thought for the Week

The belief in an external world independent of the perceiving subject is the basis of all natural science. Since, however, sense perception only gives information of this external world or of "physical reality" indirectly, we can only grasp the latter by speculative means. It follows from this that our notions of physical reality can never be final. We must always be ready to change these notions - that is to say, the axiomatic basis of physics - in order to do justice to perceived facts in the most perfect way logically. -Einstein