Buddhist Thought For The Week

Past and Future are a duality of which Present is the reality. The now-moment alone is eternal and real. - Why Lazurus Laughed by Wei Wu Wei

Recent Pics I've taken!

Unpunished Stronger

About two minutes ago I just hung up with the propietor of the property managment firm I work for...

And damn, did Mr. Burns get a hot, pointed earful of the pissed off Mister Owner.

Honestly, he has every right to be angry at me because when JT (or whom ever he claims sliced it for him) cut my phone wires a couple weeks back, the buildings fire alarm phone wires were also severed.

I can understand why he's pissed because I'm angry at myself!!

For many reasons this is a fucked situation and never shall I be put in this position again.

Trusting people to easliy can get me in a real tight bind and isn't advisable because of people Like James Thomas.
He is fuck face supreme....

And I regret meeting, talking and spending any effort on him or that shitty, dirty and stank dog he owns.

No good deed goes unpusnished as the saying goes so I'll keep listening to Kanye West's current hottness hitting MTV, while trying to feel.."Stronger"!!!

A few Thoughts

Today would have been my Grandmothers 81st birthday if she were still alive. I miss my Gram so much and think of her everyday. I hope she's proud of me and that she is sending me her blessings from the Great- Unknown- Beyond!! The advice and guidance she gave me as a child is still being used by me today as an adult! From the simplest ideas like making ones bed before leaving the house to always being honest and speaking my mind. Even when it pains me to do so..

I miss you Rosalie Tomasco Loftus and I wish you were here today to see the man I've become! I'm hoping to be better still and that I'll continue to learn and grow while utilizing the lessons and love you gave to me!!!

Today is day two of the drug trial at St.Luke's. I think I'll be spending three hours this afternoon talking about God knows what.

Right now I'm listening to music (music therapy y'all) and in a few moments I'll take a gander around my building to see if there are any other chores that needs attending before I make lunch then head out towards the Mission for my appointment.

There is so much more I could write about..But for now I'll close this post with ...

PEACE ALL!!!

Photos From My Last Week In Fog City

Happy Birthday Sad Good Bye

Today I want to wish JT a happy, happy birthday!!!

We have gone through a lot these last weeks but I'm happy to say we are surviving it well. I love ya kid and only want you to shine forever!!!

This morning I walked Sgt. Aaron to the BART station and we had our good bye kiss.

And what a kiss it was. Less forceful than our greeting kiss but loving and tender in a way I can't convey in words.

I wish him success in his missions in Iraq and God please speed him home soon. I LOVE HIM and pray to ALL /which ever Gods to "Keep Him Safe!"

He is such a wonderful man and I only have good things to say about him and our time together these past 4 days! His dedication to our Country and in defense of her values is beyond reproach.

I respect his service and it's an honor that I can call this man my friend.

So, today is bittersweet for me and I've cried the tears of goodbye.

Soon, I'll return normality to my space but for now I give into these very deep and complex emotions.

Everything happens for a reason and I must belive there is a reason for all this!!

The Signs # 2

VIRGO - The Perfectionist
Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the
last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos.
Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please.
Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.
7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

SCORPIO - The Intense One
Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or
possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or
secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long
relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times.
Passionate and Emotional.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have
own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be
alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give
in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

ARIES - TheDaredevil
Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and
enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes
selfish. Short fuse. (easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp
wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical.
Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart
Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent.
Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can
be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive
on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.

GEMINI - The Chatterbox
Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic.
Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken.
Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May
seem superficial or inconsistent, But is only changeable. Beautiful
physically and mentally.

LEO - The Boss
Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in
control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to
help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted.
Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. D oing the right
thing is important to Leos. Attractive.

CANCER - The Protector
Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring.
Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and
imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from
others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.

PISCES - The Dreamer
Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and
imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like
details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind.
Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter
Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to
be good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved.
Often pessimists. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be
unfriendl y at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they
want.

TAURUS - The Enduring One
Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they
are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings
who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take
pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give
good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express
themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined.
Indulge themselves often. Very generous.

SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One
Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan
Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social
and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes.
Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious.
Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined -
tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted.
Beautiful inside and out.

Chill Sunday

This A.M. apartment one zero four is full humans and the sound of snoring.

Deb is the only woman visiting from Fort Bliss but she snores louder than most men. I swear, she's going to rip the curtains off my wall.

Today she heads back to home-base w/ Mike and Aaron and I will have my spot to ourselves for the first time in days. I don't know how we will adjust!;-p

Yesterday and last night were beautiful if not a bit chilly. With seventeen micro-climate's Fog City is always an interesting place, weather wise.

Speaking of chill..

I expect today to be a Chill Sunday. We've all been running around, sight seeing, MOMA hopping, catching baseball games, shopping, eating, dancing and partying like rock stars so some rest is in order!

Today is day four w/o her. Glad to be free of the evil bitch.

T.V time!! Later Yall!!

Tour Guide Meets Half Way House

My last two days have been interesting and very fun filled days.

The nights so much. Aaron and I had plans to hit Fag Fridays but passed on dancing in favor of sleep.

Yesterday afternoon was spent walking and riding around Fog City and hitting one of the main tourist traps in the City. I love being out near the water/piers and seeing the sights I rarely see.

It's very interesting and fun watching people and how they react to two men holding hands. I also love showing off my City to friends because it's like seeing everything I saw but only with new eyes!

The apartment the three visitors I'm sharing my space with for the next couple days have been kind, fun and interesting folk. I enjoying being a host!

My apartment has also become a sanctum to other friend as well.

Well more of a half way house meets storage unit meets shower and mess hall.

It's fine really because I love playing Mother Lion to those I love! My peeps are great people and I'm one lucky SOB!

We are all just trying to survive this crazy world and I'll support them all any way I can!!

Peace, until next I write!

Buddhist Thought of the Week

The creed of Jodo Shu Pure Land Buddhism: 1. Believing in the salvation by Amida Buddha as preached by Shakyamuni Buddha in his teachings, we pray to Amida Buddha as our anchor, and give thanks and services in return. 2. Following the teachings of Honen Shonin, the founder of Jodo Shu Buddhism, we repeat the sacred name of Amida Buddha (Namu Amida Butsu), and always try to be sincere and to be introspective. 3. We extend the circle of prayer to Amida Buddha, help one another, and try to contribute to the promotion of social purification as well as to peace and welfare,

Cleaning Up

The last few days have brought about much change and has offered up a chance to start cleaning up around my life in many various ways.

My dishes had been sitting in my sink and drawing flies and making my apartment stink to High Holy Hell.

Apartment one zero four's bathroom, kitchen floor and doing some laundry are also on my to-do list.

I'll be sharing my space with a special friend named Aaron who is flying/visiting in today from Fort Bliss and I want to make sure the place is spotless!

Tomorrow will also find me cleaning up in a vastly different sort of way. I'll be participating in a drug study that will help me stop using Crystal Methamphetamine.

I'm looking forward to the next faze in my life. My eyes are open and I've tired of stumbling through life. This fog I've lived under for the last few years must be lifted. Being sober has become much more important to me these last few weeks. Turning 34 may have sparked all this desire to change but I'm thankful that it has happened.

At last!!

I expect that it will be tough road but I have every confidence that I can do this and turn the corner and make the changes to start living and succeeding again!

Amen!

A Great Hedonistic, Interesting, Fun, Sleepless, Birthday Bash!!

Watching Project Runway and I realized I'd not written anything in a while.

So here I am trying to p0st something before the 4pm scheduled outage and the show ends.

My weekend was full of friends, phone calls from far-flung family, hooking up for hot sex w/ men, music, birthday cake, gifts, sunshine, fog, late nights/early mornings, getting my hair did (different color same mOhaWk)talking way to much, wondering where past lovers roam, getting dissed by cute but two faced boys(what's up with giving me a wrong number Robert & DJ?!!), group sex, gifts, food and taking photos.

Later, I'll write more and post some pics but for now sending out warm thanks to Anyone & Everyone that I spent time with because you guys made it special!!

Some of yall are some nasty Fuckers!!

It was a bLaSt!!!!!The best of the last few years. Thanks EVERYONE!!!
Peace All!

Temporary Interruption

The last few days have been somewhat annoying as I've been dealing with loss of phone service and internet.

I'm not sure how this happened but the phone cord had been cut at the service box. This leads me to think it must have been JT.

Not a lot to post but wanted to get this little bit of info out there and up on my blog.

God, am I glad to be free of JT. I feel sorry for anyone that ever has to deal with him!

Peace all!!

Tranquil

The days and nights at apartment 104 have become much more tranquil since I kicked JT out.

Fog City is a beautiful place today.

I've been thinking about the last month and going over many of my actions and thoughts in regards to my prior relationship.

I'm not proud that I let JT come into my world and reveal my insecurities along with many other negative emotions.

This last stretch of my life hasn't been easy but I'm doing the best I can to cope and change for the better.

I hope the best for everyone involved in anyway with the relationship that was mine and JT's.

Stressful as it was, I must say I learned a lot about human behaviour and inner-personal relationships.

I'm sure the lessons will continue.

Buddhist Thought For The Week

Whenever we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. - John Muir

I Raise The Bar!

I know we need our mistakes to learn and grow but I really wish I'd the true power to know the future.

That superhuman ability would allow me to avoid bad people and situations that weren't healthy or beneficial. Has anyone else ever looked inside they're own mental crystal ball and seen that a certain course of action would lead to nothing but pain, drama and everything not good...But still take that route?

Often I've found that you can figure out a bad situations end as it begins. Unfortunately denial, drugs, fear, other people, our own bad habits, emotions/situations and pasts make it hard to avoid the negative outcome.

Recently I've erred in getting close to a couple/few people who are greedy, immoral, unkind and have a preferance for self destructive tendencies.

I see my mistakes and have learned some valuable lessons that will aid me in who to call a friend or lover. From now on, those that I honor with such titles must return that back equally.

It's time I raise the quality of people I surround myself with.

Those that lie, steal, cheat or show a lack of ethics and morality have no place beside me or in my world.

Today, I raise the bar!

757

Congratulation must be extended to hometown hero Barry Bonds on his breaking the home run record held so long by the legendary Hank Aaron.

Seven hundred and fifty seven home runs couldn't have been easy..Even if he did cheat by using steroids.

Trying Something New

After much soul searching the last few weeks I've decided that my relationship with JT needs changing. Soon he and I will be trying something new by not spending all our time together.We moved into the relationship too quickly and I know it's a mistake I've made in the past with others I've taken on as partners.

Yesterday evening over dinner, I had a conversation with my friend/boss at his home and he and I talked over many of the things that were bothering me about the relationship I'm currently in. We also spoke about his life, family, art, my future and and many other things while sharing a yummy dinner of chicken, cauliflower and salad with wine.

Having a chance to air out my concerns last night has done me a world of good. I feel lighter and less burdened by the worry and depression that had creeped into my "sphere of being".

After it's all said and done I'm still not sure where things are going between JT and I. But what I am sure of is that serious changes need to occur and how much time we spend together.

My doubt that JT truly wants a relationship grows with every passing day. And I know there is nothing I can do but take some space and time to let things sort themselves out.

There's still a chance that he will change course and that we can make something out of whatever this relationship has become.

But I'm losing hope in him and I won't be holding my breath. His and my time together is almost up and it might just be for the best.

Buddhist Thought For The Week

And just as men depend upon A boat for traversing the sea, So does the mental body need The matter-body for occurrence. And as the boat depends upon The men for traversing the sea, So does the matter-body need The mental body for occurrence. Depending each upon the other The boat and men go on the sea. And so do mind and matter both Depend the one upon the other. 'Visuddhimagga' (XVIII, 36)

Calm Seas

At present I'm watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel and the calm seas in which these beasts roam remind me of my apartment the last few days.

There hasn't been a lot to report as I've been keeping it fairly mellow compared to my weekend.

JT is still sleeping a great deal, as have I.

Leaving the party has it consequences obviously.

Hopefully, we will resume a normal way of living soon because this doesn't seem like living to me.

It's more like sleeping most the days and nights of the week away only to party for a couple days. Then we just repeat the sleep schedule.

Well mostly it JT who sleeps. I manage to have a normal day up early, making music, chatting with friends, writing, preparing for school this coming semester, my Building and working a few days a week at the Pot Club.

It's frustrating to say the least.

Sigh, such is my life at present.

I hope it gets better soon. Because I feel worn out from dealing with him. It would be nice to have a normal relationship or something that felt a bit more normal and wasn't forcing me to stifle what I truly feel.

Which isn't calm seas at all but a rage at myself and JT. Maybe it's because we hate when we recognize in someone else what we recognize in ourselves.

I'm sure that's it and hopefully we are both able to deal and do better.

I love this guy and truly only want the best for both of us.

I hope he feels the same way. I really do.