Things have been so confusing of late that I don't know really where to start this post.
While taking of care of myself, apartment, building, hanging with friends, planning for school, working a few days a week, I've also been taking care of JT.
He's a bit homeless and still getting "settled" into the City...after almost eight months.
Hopefully it happens soon because I'm frustrated with having a boyfriend who sleeps most of the day, escorts, rarely picks up after himself or helps clean the apartment and seems unmotivated in every area of his life. Also, his spiritual side doesn't seem to be getting much attention and him not being a Buddhist or something of the like might become a problem unless I see change in that area of his life.
I'll not deal with a lay about for much longer. There will be a real effort put forth by him or we won't be in a relationship.
My faith in him is a bit shaky at present. I need to know my partner reflects my values and goals.
For now, I wait and see what he will do. He has a bit more time before I end this relationship for the last and final time.
The clock is ticking.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
BreakUps 2 MakeUps
This weekend was rough and emotional.
JT and I weren't seeing eye 2 eye on some issues that are at both times important and petty. Also we've been spending a ton of time together and there had been a weird power dynamic developing leading us both to misunderstand one another.
We began to quarrel over our differences. Which was then followed by letting our emotions get out of hand.
After a heated debate Saturday morning it looked like we'd be breaking up. He went and stayed with a friend in another part of town. I was on a emotional roller coaster and alone in my apartment for the first time in almost 3 week.
I couldn't stand the sight of my walls or the empty space next to mine in the bed. By yesterday afternoon I walked all over the City, taking pictures and hanging out with people I met along the way.
JT and I didn't talk or see each other for over 48 hours and I missed him every minute.
Well, most parts of him.
During this time apart I had enough time to come down off my high horse and think over what went wrong. I knew I contributed my fair share into the making of our problems. And I think while we were apart JT had time to reflect on the parts he played in the negativity.
By yesterday deep thought and meditation led me to think that all hope wasn't lost so I called him.
This morning we got together and talked about everything that happened. It was rough but thankfully we've arrived at solutions which should hopefully work for us.
I think now all we needed was time away, a readjustment of our "rules", how much time we should spend together at this time and what was expected/offered to one another.
Hopefully a better and healthier relationship will be the result because I love him and want it to work.
Right now I'm feeling good about us...But after all this talking/writing I need a nap.
Later yall!
JT and I weren't seeing eye 2 eye on some issues that are at both times important and petty. Also we've been spending a ton of time together and there had been a weird power dynamic developing leading us both to misunderstand one another.
We began to quarrel over our differences. Which was then followed by letting our emotions get out of hand.
After a heated debate Saturday morning it looked like we'd be breaking up. He went and stayed with a friend in another part of town. I was on a emotional roller coaster and alone in my apartment for the first time in almost 3 week.
I couldn't stand the sight of my walls or the empty space next to mine in the bed. By yesterday afternoon I walked all over the City, taking pictures and hanging out with people I met along the way.
JT and I didn't talk or see each other for over 48 hours and I missed him every minute.
Well, most parts of him.
During this time apart I had enough time to come down off my high horse and think over what went wrong. I knew I contributed my fair share into the making of our problems. And I think while we were apart JT had time to reflect on the parts he played in the negativity.
By yesterday deep thought and meditation led me to think that all hope wasn't lost so I called him.
This morning we got together and talked about everything that happened. It was rough but thankfully we've arrived at solutions which should hopefully work for us.
I think now all we needed was time away, a readjustment of our "rules", how much time we should spend together at this time and what was expected/offered to one another.
Hopefully a better and healthier relationship will be the result because I love him and want it to work.
Right now I'm feeling good about us...But after all this talking/writing I need a nap.
Later yall!
Happy Indiffence
This post isn't the easiest one for me write but it must be done.
After spending almost three weeks JT, Saturday morning I ended or brief relationship and cohabitation.
The lies, manipulation, double life, wife and child, abusive communication style, selfishness, uncaring attitude towards my emotions and home all became too much to deal with.
Over the last 21 days or so many things were told to me by JT that had no iota truth to them. The more I reached out towards him the further and harder he pulled away from me.
Sex was not used in the right way between us and we were doing more group sex scenes together than having sex together. It seemed more important that only his needs be met because he continued to behave as if he was single.
Many things he did and said made it clear that he wanted all the rights of a relationship with me but not the responsibilities.
After see again the evidence of these facts my temper boiled over and we quarrelled which ended with me demanding he take his things and remove himself from my apartment.
At first it was sad and I wondered if the right choice was being made in telling him to go. Many feelings wed those. Everything from rage, disappointment, sadness, self-doubt too happy he's out of my life and home...
This AM my heart is at ease and happy indifference would be the best way to describe what I'm feeling.
This morning I woke up feeling great and superhero like.
Don't really know if JT and I'll be friends after all this but but I hope JtT has learned a vfew aliblue lessons.
After spending almost three weeks JT, Saturday morning I ended or brief relationship and cohabitation.
The lies, manipulation, double life, wife and child, abusive communication style, selfishness, uncaring attitude towards my emotions and home all became too much to deal with.
Over the last 21 days or so many things were told to me by JT that had no iota truth to them. The more I reached out towards him the further and harder he pulled away from me.
Sex was not used in the right way between us and we were doing more group sex scenes together than having sex together. It seemed more important that only his needs be met because he continued to behave as if he was single.
Many things he did and said made it clear that he wanted all the rights of a relationship with me but not the responsibilities.
After see again the evidence of these facts my temper boiled over and we quarrelled which ended with me demanding he take his things and remove himself from my apartment.
At first it was sad and I wondered if the right choice was being made in telling him to go. Many feelings wed those. Everything from rage, disappointment, sadness, self-doubt too happy he's out of my life and home...
This AM my heart is at ease and happy indifference would be the best way to describe what I'm feeling.
This morning I woke up feeling great and superhero like.
Don't really know if JT and I'll be friends after all this but but I hope JtT has learned a vfew aliblue lessons.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Buddhist Thought for the Week
Clarity can exist only when there is freedom to observe, when one is capable of looking, observing, watching. That is only possible when there is complete, total freedom, otherwise there is always distortion in our observation.
- J. Krishnamurti
- J. Krishnamurti
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Don't Expect Anything!
There is a story in Tibet about a thief who was a great fool. He stole a large sack of barley one day and was very pleased with himself. He hung it up over his bed, suspended it from the ceiling, because he thought it would be safest there from the rats and other animals. But one rat was very cunning and found a way to get to it. Meanwhile the thief was thinking, "Now, I'll sell this barley to somebody, perhaps my next-door neighbor, and get some silver coins for it. Then I could buy something else and then sell that at a profit. If I go on like this I'll soon be very rich, then I can get married and have a proper home. After that I could have a son. Yes, I shall have a son! Now what name shall I give him?" At that moment the moon had just risen and he saw the moonlight shining in through the window onto his bed. So he thought, "Ah, I shall call him Dawa" (which is the Tibetan name for the moon). And at that moment the rat had finished eating right through the rope from which the bag was hanging, and the bag dropped on the thief and killed him.
Chogyam Trungpa, Meditation in Action
Chogyam Trungpa, Meditation in Action
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
What's Next
The two words that I'm hearing most in my head today are "what's next?"
What's next for me? You? The world?
What's next for our country? Yesterdays Presidential Debate didn't give me any more clarity on who'd make our best next Commander In Chief. Parts of me wishes I could vote for two or three of the candidates.
What's next for my career, goals and art. Continuing growth in every area of my life will help sort out what's next for some of these things.. But nervousness about what's next sometimes leads me to jump at shadows and stress. These feelings fade faster when I use these emotions for positive change and direction.
I want to understand my fellow humans better. This is a goal that's important to me for every relationship I have no matter how insignificant or important.
Treating others well feels great and good guys always finish first, right?
What's next for JT and I? We're slowing getting to know each other and things have been good. Is this relationship solid and healthy? Can it survive? Are we doing the right things?
My 34th birthday is fast approaching and I'm sure that's why I woke up so thoughtful and reflective today...But there are things I've got to do and work that has to be done.
Answers to my questions will be apparent soon enough and I'll keep doing what I can to ensure my wanted outcomes.
The best is yet to come!!!
What's next for me? You? The world?
What's next for our country? Yesterdays Presidential Debate didn't give me any more clarity on who'd make our best next Commander In Chief. Parts of me wishes I could vote for two or three of the candidates.
What's next for my career, goals and art. Continuing growth in every area of my life will help sort out what's next for some of these things.. But nervousness about what's next sometimes leads me to jump at shadows and stress. These feelings fade faster when I use these emotions for positive change and direction.
I want to understand my fellow humans better. This is a goal that's important to me for every relationship I have no matter how insignificant or important.
Treating others well feels great and good guys always finish first, right?
What's next for JT and I? We're slowing getting to know each other and things have been good. Is this relationship solid and healthy? Can it survive? Are we doing the right things?
My 34th birthday is fast approaching and I'm sure that's why I woke up so thoughtful and reflective today...But there are things I've got to do and work that has to be done.
Answers to my questions will be apparent soon enough and I'll keep doing what I can to ensure my wanted outcomes.
The best is yet to come!!!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Buddhist Thought For the Week
We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time. - T.S. Eliot
ShakeTown 2 QuakeVille -n- back to FogCity!!
Wow...I felt the earthquake last night at 4:42 a.m. I'm not sure how strong it was in my hood but according to the U.S. Geological Survey, it was centered 2 miles east of Oakland and it could be felt on both sides of the San Francisco Bay. The 4.1 quake woke me up and honestly it felt a lot stronger than it really was.
Makes ya feel alive!!
Anyway..here are some pictures I've recently taken.
Enjoy!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Two Jobs Plus
This morning at 11 am I'll be interviewing with a staffing firm here in downtown Fog City.
Hopefully I'll land an office position that will utilize my various computer and office skills.
I'm not sure the amount of hours I'll work every week but I've a lot of free time for the next couple months which means I could potentially be working forty hours plus soon.
I also found out yesterday that I'll be working for a friend who owns and operates one of Fog City's premier medical cannabis boutiques.
For now I've two jobs and hopefully soon that will be two plus jobs! I'm tired of being tired over not making much money so it's awesome that hopefully I'll be past this point soon.
Now it's time to take care of Job One because I enjoy keeping a roof over my head! ;-p
Peace All!!
Hopefully I'll land an office position that will utilize my various computer and office skills.
I'm not sure the amount of hours I'll work every week but I've a lot of free time for the next couple months which means I could potentially be working forty hours plus soon.
I also found out yesterday that I'll be working for a friend who owns and operates one of Fog City's premier medical cannabis boutiques.
For now I've two jobs and hopefully soon that will be two plus jobs! I'm tired of being tired over not making much money so it's awesome that hopefully I'll be past this point soon.
Now it's time to take care of Job One because I enjoy keeping a roof over my head! ;-p
Peace All!!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Just another Day
Today and the last few days have been chill. Lately I've been working on music, going to the movies, preparing for interviews later this week, taking photo's, hanging with friends and spending lots of time JT and Oliver.
Soon I have to start my building manager duties and after that I'm not sure what the day will bring.
So it's just another peaceful day here in the Tender-Nobb. I hope your day is peaceful as well.
Soon I have to start my building manager duties and after that I'm not sure what the day will bring.
So it's just another peaceful day here in the Tender-Nobb. I hope your day is peaceful as well.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
He said " I love You" Today!!!!
He said he Loves Me!
His name is JT and I have to say he's amazing.
I've been seeing him for almost a week now and I'm pretty sure he won't be going anywhere soon. Well, I think I've been seeing him and his dog, Oliver.
It was only supposed to be about fucking and hanging out but it has turned into so much, much more!
My head is swimming and I'm not sure what to make it of it all.
But I did tell him "I love you too!"
His name is JT and I have to say he's amazing.
I've been seeing him for almost a week now and I'm pretty sure he won't be going anywhere soon. Well, I think I've been seeing him and his dog, Oliver.
It was only supposed to be about fucking and hanging out but it has turned into so much, much more!
My head is swimming and I'm not sure what to make it of it all.
But I did tell him "I love you too!"
4get about Me
Forget About Me by Pablo Neruda
Let us look for secret things
somewhere in the world,
on the blue shore of silence
or where the storm has passed,
rampaging like a train.
There the faint signs are left,
coins of time and water,
debris, celestial ash
and the irreplaceable rapture
of sharing in the labour
of solitude and the sand.
--Translated by Alastair Reid
Let us look for secret things
somewhere in the world,
on the blue shore of silence
or where the storm has passed,
rampaging like a train.
There the faint signs are left,
coins of time and water,
debris, celestial ash
and the irreplaceable rapture
of sharing in the labour
of solitude and the sand.
--Translated by Alastair Reid
Friday, July 13, 2007
Buddhist Thought for the Week
The belief in an external world independent of the perceiving subject is the basis of all natural science. Since, however, sense perception only gives information of this external world or of "physical reality" indirectly, we can only grasp the latter by speculative means. It follows from this that our notions of physical reality can never be final. We must always be ready to change these notions - that is to say, the axiomatic basis of physics - in order to do justice to perceived facts in the most perfect way logically. -Einstein
Thursday, July 12, 2007
A few Thoughts Today
Do you ever wonder if there is any hope at all? Ever think the forces of the universe are messing with you big time, trying to bring you down.
Forcing you to bring forth your greatness?
But as we know, greatness isn't measured by what we achieve. Greatness is measured by what we overcome. And to overcome, we need other people in our lives that can pick us up when we are down.
The only way others can help us is when we start with truthfulness, all the time - no matter how much it hurts. All these mind games we play only hold us back. They hold us back in our romantic relationships, they hold us back in our friendships, they hold us back in life in general.
How many people in your life are you truthful with?
How many people do you tell exactly what's on our mind?
How many people tell you what's on their mind?
Unfortunately one thing that stops us from having truthful relationships is summed up in an old deodorant commercial from the 80's:
"Never let them see you sweat."
We are so embarrassed, ashamed, guarded about our fears and doubts. We hold back from being honest with our parents because we don't want to let them down. We hold back from being ourselves with our boy or girlfriend because we fear they will reject us if they knew our darkest thoughts and fears. We hold back from leaning on a friend because we think they can't hold the weight.
But, if we want to succeed in life, we must have at least one or two people with whom we can be open with, with whom we can share whatever it is that we are. This path called life is not meant to be walked alone. It's meant to be shared.
This week, open up. Let it out. Have the courage to be weak. Talk to the people who love you and let them help you. The truth is, if they are really there for you, they will love you even more.
They will love you because you are true.
They will love you because you are real.
Forcing you to bring forth your greatness?
But as we know, greatness isn't measured by what we achieve. Greatness is measured by what we overcome. And to overcome, we need other people in our lives that can pick us up when we are down.
The only way others can help us is when we start with truthfulness, all the time - no matter how much it hurts. All these mind games we play only hold us back. They hold us back in our romantic relationships, they hold us back in our friendships, they hold us back in life in general.
How many people in your life are you truthful with?
How many people do you tell exactly what's on our mind?
How many people tell you what's on their mind?
Unfortunately one thing that stops us from having truthful relationships is summed up in an old deodorant commercial from the 80's:
"Never let them see you sweat."
We are so embarrassed, ashamed, guarded about our fears and doubts. We hold back from being honest with our parents because we don't want to let them down. We hold back from being ourselves with our boy or girlfriend because we fear they will reject us if they knew our darkest thoughts and fears. We hold back from leaning on a friend because we think they can't hold the weight.
But, if we want to succeed in life, we must have at least one or two people with whom we can be open with, with whom we can share whatever it is that we are. This path called life is not meant to be walked alone. It's meant to be shared.
This week, open up. Let it out. Have the courage to be weak. Talk to the people who love you and let them help you. The truth is, if they are really there for you, they will love you even more.
They will love you because you are true.
They will love you because you are real.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Happy Monday
I'm thankful I made it to another day!! After a great nights rest, I've woken up full of energy and life.
My weekend was fun, relaxing and interesting. I was on the other side of the Bay last evening hanging out with a cool new friend. Thanks again Luis!
I got to see a great movie that returned me to my childhood. There were visits from friends and the eating's of yummy Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.
Wimbledon/tennis was on my television so that means I was watching Rafael Nadal. I mean what's the point of watching tennis unless Rafael is playing? He didn't win his match yesterday but boy was it a good contest!! Also, it was great to see Venus Williams win on the women's side.
So over all a Happy Monday to start my week!!
Today I've a meeting at 10am. I'm hoping that after this meeting I'll have a clearer idea on how I'm going to fund this next year of school.
Wish Me Luck!!!
My weekend was fun, relaxing and interesting. I was on the other side of the Bay last evening hanging out with a cool new friend. Thanks again Luis!
I got to see a great movie that returned me to my childhood. There were visits from friends and the eating's of yummy Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.
Wimbledon/tennis was on my television so that means I was watching Rafael Nadal. I mean what's the point of watching tennis unless Rafael is playing? He didn't win his match yesterday but boy was it a good contest!! Also, it was great to see Venus Williams win on the women's side.
So over all a Happy Monday to start my week!!
Today I've a meeting at 10am. I'm hoping that after this meeting I'll have a clearer idea on how I'm going to fund this next year of school.
Wish Me Luck!!!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Transform
Got to see the Transformers yesterday with a buddy.
I feel like a kid today! All I want to do is play with Autobots and Decepticons.
LOL.
If you haven't seen this movie then I think you should take the time to check it out. It's a little dumbed down as far as the script is concerned and definitely longer than it needs to be but over all worth the price of admission. If only just to get the chance to see talking, 15 feet tall, living robots!
It will make you feel like a kid again too!!!!
I feel like a kid today! All I want to do is play with Autobots and Decepticons.
LOL.
If you haven't seen this movie then I think you should take the time to check it out. It's a little dumbed down as far as the script is concerned and definitely longer than it needs to be but over all worth the price of admission. If only just to get the chance to see talking, 15 feet tall, living robots!
It will make you feel like a kid again too!!!!
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Passed Away
A friend of a friend died a few weeks ago and today is the memorial. I didn't know "Matty", as his friends called him and in fact I'd only had met with once. That day wasn't all that long ago to be completely honest. But today I'm planning on attending a memorial service for him with his family and close friends.
A few weeks ago a close friend of Matthew's and I had been out and about running errands. On the way back to my apartment my friend (loosely used here BUT that's a whole other story) stopped to talk to someone entering the front door of an apartment building.
Introductions were made and after a bit of conversation and connecting the dots of our mutual friends me and my "buddy" returned home to my pad.
On that day that Matthew and I met what struck me were two things.
One was his wit and the other thing was his eyes. Even though I'd never met him before Matt knew who I was. With wit and charm he helped connect the dots and even made this stranger feel welcome. Matthew Beals was a young, talented, kind guy who was taken way to soon. And even though he wasn't truly my friend I can see and tell by the same friends we shared that we would have made very good friends.
So for those that have truly lost him, I stand with you in your loss today.
And I feel your pain that your friend has passed away.
A few weeks ago a close friend of Matthew's and I had been out and about running errands. On the way back to my apartment my friend (loosely used here BUT that's a whole other story) stopped to talk to someone entering the front door of an apartment building.
Introductions were made and after a bit of conversation and connecting the dots of our mutual friends me and my "buddy" returned home to my pad.
On that day that Matthew and I met what struck me were two things.
One was his wit and the other thing was his eyes. Even though I'd never met him before Matt knew who I was. With wit and charm he helped connect the dots and even made this stranger feel welcome. Matthew Beals was a young, talented, kind guy who was taken way to soon. And even though he wasn't truly my friend I can see and tell by the same friends we shared that we would have made very good friends.
So for those that have truly lost him, I stand with you in your loss today.
And I feel your pain that your friend has passed away.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Buddhist Thought For The Week
Our theories of the eternal are as valuable as are those of a chick which has not broken its way through its shell might form of the outside world. - Buddha
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
231 years old.
Happy Birthday America!!
You look damn good for 231!!!
Today I'm having a busy day of hanging with friends, the movies, an evening of meeting new people at a barb-b.q. and fire works on Treasure Island with Mikey this evening.
Have fun kids!
Monday, July 2, 2007
Im Famous(not)
During Gay Pride last week someone took a photo of me and I one of my friends saw it on this site and sent me a link.
Check it out for a laugh. Just cut and paste the link and you'll see me and my bug glasses!!
http://nitevibe.com
Happy Monday Everybody!!!!
Check it out for a laugh. Just cut and paste the link and you'll see me and my bug glasses!!
http://nitevibe.com
Happy Monday Everybody!!!!
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