Free at lasT`

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

-Dr. Martin Luther King
I Have a Dream - Address at March on Washington
August 28, 1963. Washington, D.C

FREEDOM!!

Today was very interesting.

One more forced encounter with Geoffrey due to his filing of a one year restraining order against me. We both had our Lawyers and Geoffrey was allowed to present a very lop sided version of the events that led to him filing this bogus order. He plays the victim so well that the Judge granted him a six month order against me. I honestly think if I had been white he would have not granted the request. His story was full of holes and the most unsubstantiated retelling of events I think I've heard.

I never spoke and maybe my Lawyer did his best to defend my actions but it truly was a waste of time. The system is stacked in the filers favor and it seems to me that my side of this story was never considered.

Geoffrey is joke of a man. Even taking the time today to write about him is something I don't want to do. My feelings at this moment are ones of relief and indifference. If he thinks that I'm bothered by this legal wall between us he is sadly mistaken. This restraining order allows me the freedom I've always craved and truly thrills me.

The only reason I opposed his legal action in the first place was on the strength of my lawyers advice. I should have thanked the Judge at the end of the hearing but I could only manage to smile as I walked out from the proceedings.

I honestly am happy to be rid of him and today does nothing but makes me feel great. I don't hate or love him and he means nothing to me. The time with him wasn't a happy time but now my future can be. Right now everything is perfect and its time to steer towards that future. I wouldn't change one thing I've done and I have zero regret in regards toward my past actions with the ug- G -Ly oNe!!! He tried to abuse me emotionally, physically and sexually. Now that he has his restraining order he'll have to find someone else to blame for his troubles. Today wasn't about the court granting his request. It was about giving Geoffrey an order to release me. He wasn't granted a restraining order! He was ordered to liberate me!

If he were a Super Villain in his cartoon life, then his super power would the Negative Effect. Collateral Damage Geoffrey strikes again!! That means that just by knowing him that this would cause a negative effect. In other words-Geoffrey is Bad Luck. My life has gone from good/great to bad and now worse since DAY 1 of him entering my sphere of existence.

The only thing I would change is that I would not have lowered my standards and allowed him access to me.

Mr. Crybaby never could keep up with me in anyway. He didn't deserve my time or effort. He is a waste of life and not worth remembering in anyway.

Thankfully he's now in my past and happiness and celebrations are in order for tonight! Its time to go have fun with my new sexy friend Steve and smile that Geoffrey L. Newman fell into my trap.

Today gave me everything I ever wanted.

Freedom!!!

More April Photos

Buddhist Thought For The Week

We say, "In calmness there should be activity; ' in activity there should be calmness." Actually, they are the same thing; to say "calmness" or to say "activity" is just to express different interpretations of one fact. There is harmony in our activity, and where there is harmony there is calmness. - D.T. Suzuki

I Hate You Geoffrey L. Newman.

I just cant seem to motivate these days.

Maybe I'm depressed. Wouldn't that be a surprise. I mean my life is peachy. I married a alleged drug (ghb) dealing, crazy, asshole. Yea. I feel great!! Thanks Geoffrey Newman. His house was raided by the police almost two weeks ago. I wish I could have been there to laugh at him and point while he was dragged out in handcuffs. I'm no rat but I wish I'd known how deep his little lies went. I would have loved to help put his ass in jail.

When we were going through some of our worst arguing he yelled at me," I'm gonna make you hate me!!"

Well, here it is. I hate you Geoffrey L. Newman and from the deep reaches of my soul I curse you. May all the evil you've done me come and visit you in someway.

Hopefully now maybe I can move past all this shit in my life.

Time ticks away and everyday that doesn't get used fully is lost opportunities and missed chances to improve my lot.

Only I can do it. Because god knows I cant rely on Evil and Cursed Geoffrey for anything but empty promises.

APRIL PHOTOS

Where's Damon? North Beach, San Francisco, CA

I finally got tired of friends providing me and my dog with shelter.

There was just no way I could accept it anymore. Not that there's a ungrateful bone in my body! Without the few friends in my life these last few weeks would have been impossable to get through. But during a conversation with a friend today I came to realize that having my own space (tempoary or otherwise) is my greatest need.

Sometimes Evil Geoffrey has managed to inflict a great deal of hurt on me, my life and my dog. But the most hurtful act has been that he took away any sense of stability and grounding I might have thought I had. What makes it worse is that he is fully aware of my great need to have a place to call home. Music also suffers because she has had to go everywhere with me and can't get comfy for too long.

Well, for the next week the both of us can get a little more comfortable because I've rented a room in the North Beach area of SF.

I am not sure where we will land this time next week but for now I've got a small room in the North Beach Hotel. The room is cute, clean and cheap. It also has cable tv and comes with a wireless internet connection.

So for now i've got some breathing room and by tomorrow it will be time to start looking for work and the filling up of my small but efficant riefridgerator.

So much to do and only I can do it.

BUT...

I shall get it done.

Buddhist thought for the week

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. - Buddha

THIS ONE IS MINE

Good morning from Ingleside!! I just woke up in what could soon be my new apartment!! Two friends of mine have rented a house near UCSF and there seems to be enough room (it's In-Laws apartment in the back) for me and my Dog Music.

The space needs a bit of work and a fierce cleaning but the rent Would be cheap and just what I can afford. Plus the pup would have a back yard to hang out in. And a place to have naked Bar-BQ's when the weather permits!! :-)

Details and plans are yet to be finalized but so far so good.

Today, I'll be heading to the bank to close a joint account Geoffrey and I had together. I'm glad I can take care of myself once again and do it mostly without help from Geoffrey. I allowed myself to become co dependent and that will never (I can only hope) happen again.

After the bank it's then off to the Doctors to get an abscess on my left lower leg lanced, drained and bandaged up. It's not the first time I've had one of these but it's been a good while since I had to be cut open.

Sigh..If it's not one thing it's another.

But I can deal because that's life...And this one is mine!

Buddhist Thought for the Week

I believe that words can help us move or keep us paralyzed, and that our choices of language and verbal tone have something—a great deal—to do with how we live our lives and whom we end up speaking with and hearing; and that we can deflect words, by trivialization, of course, but also by ritualized respect, or we can let them enter our souls and mix with the juices of our minds.

-Adrienne Rich (b. 1929)

LOVE IT ALL AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT

As I sat in meditation yesterday afternoon my thoughts wondered again upon well tread questions.

Questions that I think we've all asked ourselves at one time or another.

"What is the meaning of life?"

"What is my purpose in life. Or put another way; "Is there a reason or anyway to explain why I am here,"

"Does god exist?"

"How do I deal effectively with difficult times this life gives me"

"What is reality?"

Thinking these thoughts plus a multitude of other questions created many possible answers and ideas. But only one answered the most important question I seem to have these days.

Dealing effectively with so called tough times.

My answer to that is this.

Love. It will help you to enjoy the ride of every storm. If you embrace the hurt..then dealing with it becomes easy. Love ALL parts of oneself (even the flaws as others may call them) and finding a sort of haven during times of self loathing doubt and uncertainty. If dealing with a rude and normally repulsive person then soak up that rudeness and love it for its raw honesty. Because LoVe is the only way to cope. It makes that mountain everyone climbs an ant hill. Even Loving the HIV positive me allows me the right to put my health and needs first.

I shall love it all ..No matter what comes my way.

I see now that to be truly happy and to deal with those things I wished not to, I must embrace the bad in my life as well as the good!!

All the pleasure, favorite and good stuff.

Along with the hurt, sad and bad stuff!!!

I say today, the purposes of my life is to:

Love it All

and Make the Best of it!!!

Photos

Who's The Fool

Despite recent negative developments in my marriage my effort and interest have always been in that directions. Speaking with him for the first time yesterday; Geoffrey only brought up past arguments and problems.

I've been sending him message after message trying to reconcile because I do love him but I can't take being shut out of his life for much longer. Everyday that passes moves us further and further apart from our relationship and the love that we share.

This has been one of the most trying times in my life and I just hope it ends sooner than later.

On this April 1st I wonder..

Who's the fool? The fool or the fool who loves the fool?